Talking to Children

Parents have difficulty telling their children about cancer.  A few basic guidelines can help them discuss the cancer diagnosis with their children.  However, the type of discussion you have with your children will depend on their ages.

Children of any age can sense when something is wrong, and they usually imagine the worst possible problem.  Telling them what is happening can actually alleviate some of their anxiety and fear.  Answer only the questions your children ask and nothing more.  Children, especially between the ages of 6-10, can only handle little bits of information at a time.  As they ask for more detail you can provide it to them, but try to focus on what their concerns are at the moment.

Answer your children's questions as honestly as possible.  An environment of honesty and openness can help children cope with the crisis that results when a parent is diagnosed with cancer.

 
Younger than 2 years old:  For small children, their biggest concern comes from the disruption of their daily routine.  They do not understand the concept of cancer, but will be disturbed if their parent is away for several days, or is too tired to play.  Establish a new routine as soon as possible, one that can accommodate your recovery and treatment needs.  Ask for help from friends and family to give your children extra attention and love.

 
Ages 2 to 7 years:  Younger children often assume that they might be responsible for your getting cancer.  For instance, they may think that you got cancer because they got in trouble at daycare or school.  Use simple terms to explain your illness, like “good” and “bad” cells.  Remind your children often that cancer is not something you catch and that they did not do anything to cause your disease.

Try to explain your treatments and procedures in terms of how they will affect your children and their routine.  For instance, "I will be having chemotherapy next week, and it will make me very tired.  I won't be able to drive you to school then, but Susie's mother will come to our house to pick you up at your regular time." Or, "When I have the medicine that will remove my cancer cells, my hair will fall out and you will see me without any hair.  Sometimes I will wear a hat or a wig to keep me warm and comfortable.  My hair will grow back."

 
Ages 7 to 12 years:  School-aged children will understand more about the causes and effects of a serious illness, but you should still keep your explanations simple.  Your children may hesitate to bring up a concern or a fear because they are afraid of burdening you.  Ask them every so often how things are going and how they are feeling.  By encouraging them to verbalize their concerns, you are teaching them how to handle crisis in a positive way—and you will also have a sense of how they are coping.

Be sure to watch for changes in school performance, as well as eating and sleeping patterns. Any changes may be an indicator that your child is worried and unable to verbalize his or her feelings.

 
Ages 12 and older:  Children at this age can understand most aspects of breast cancer causes and treatments.  You should spend time listening to their concerns and trying to help them get the best information to answer their questions.  Older teenagers may want to know detailed information about breast cancer and may want to do their own research about the illness.  Others may want to rely only on what you tell them.

Each child may respond differently to a parent’s illness.  Some children may get angry and distant, and others may feel insecure and scared.  If they are having a hard time talking to you, encourage them to talk with other members of the family, or to a teacher or friend.

Just like you, children react to the wide range of emotions that occur when cancer invades a family. Fear, sadness, insecurity, anger, and curiosity are just some of the feelings they might experience.  Keep talking to and with them.  Try to plan regular and frequent activities for the whole family.  Most importantly, try to give your children extra love and attention, which benefits the while family.

Next: Tips For Caregivers.